WITCHCRAFT IN THE FACE OF GRIEF
*Trigger Warning Child Loss/Death & Family Trauma*
This is one of the hardest pieces of writing I’ve ever shared…or written in general. I’ll also preface this by saying I have an immense issue with vulnerability, you can ask my therapist who has been working with me on that for the last three years. So I hope that puts into context just how exposed sharing such a personal and intimate experience of mine truly is…but with vulnerability comes courage, and if my bit of courage can make someone else out there not feel so alone, I’ll have done what I set out to do.
pexels-kseniachernaya
A Tough and Tiring Introduction
Welcome wxtches and sweet darklings to a very personal and albeit heavy article for our Grimoire. It isn’t easy sharing our deepest truths online to strangers, hell, it’s not easy opening up to those we love and care for, but today I thought I’d share one of my most vulnerable moments with you all as I graciously work through the trauma, and journey of grief from the loss of my sweet seven year old nephew. **Two paragraphs in and I’ve already stopped for days in between writing, and dissociated several times trying to string these sentences together. Our body is an amazing machine that tries to protect us at all costs, which is why these symptoms are trying to take over. But I know that putting these words to virtual paper will be better for me in the long run. With that said, it would mean the world to me if you’d have grace for me while I get this onto the page-because some of it may not make sense, it may feel chaotic, and it may feel too intense to comprehend from a stranger…I appreciate your support by reading my truth.
Our Bodies Know Grief Before Our Minds Do
*sorry, coming back from dissociating* The morning of February 16th I was on a call with a fellow witch, who was guiding me through a meditation around past trauma that could be associated with my chronic illness (more on this in a later article). We kept being interrupted by my family calling, which sometimes my mother does when she’s bored or missing us, it’s understandable. But I silenced my phone to continue our session. Inching toward midday when my partner interrupted, which he never does, and said there’s been a family emergency. My brain was already wracking itself trying to figure out just what could’ve possibly happened all while hanging up with my friend. There’s been so much trauma, unspeakable pain, and unbelievable plot twists that even reality tv wouldn’t believe. So I swiftly ended the call with my kindhearted friend, and turned to face my poor partner, who gently knelt before me, and delivered the news that my nephew hadn’t woken up that morning. Now I’ve been deemed a highly sensitive individual my entire life, blame my Venus is pisces, but never had I experienced the phenomenon of my body receiving the information, digesting, and emotionally responding, before my brain could string the pieces together. There was confusion, inability to take in what my partner had just said, and the more I tried to figure it out, the more distant my thoughts and conclusions became… but my body knew, and without warning I collapsed into my partner’s arms and released into the knowledge that my body had received the emotional weight that came with a loss... *I have to step away, I can’t keep fighting this dissociation..*
Body Spirit Connection in Witchcraft and Spirituality at Large
As we continued to get information on my nephews vitals…
It grew harder and harder to hear, and many messages were getting lost in translation. Now would also be the time to explain that we did not have direct contact with him before his passing. My immediate family (Parents, Brother, and other Sister) were severed from seeing our nephews and niece for reasons that should’ve been worked out between adults (dare I say simply out of spite?) To explain or divulge this family trauma would take an entire book’s worth of psychological breakdown, not to mention dissecting and healing ancestral silencing and enabling of abuse. My parents did their very best to protect us from this, but unfortunately it found its way into our lives despite their best efforts…but I digress.
He was being kept alive through machines…
What “alive” means in situations such as these I don’t know and still grapple with. Maybe only Goddesses, Gods, Angels, and Mystical Beings can speak truth to this. And no matter how dedicated I am to my Craft and practice, there are always moments that make us question how such pain can exist…and where that exists in our spiritual understanding. He was unable to open his beautiful blue eyes, move his little fingers, toes, arms, legs…even breathe air into his lungs to allow him to breath on his own. These functions had ceased due the left side of his brain being flooded with blood from the hemorrhage. An aneurism had ruptured and help didn’t reach him for twelve hours between the time he was shouting from “nightmares” at roughly 11:30pm February 15th, to not waking up and waiting for help until 12:30pm February 16th…the circumstances surrounding this have remained blurry for all of us, and we will never know the entirety of truth here…It’s a cruel game that the brain plays, creating images of what this would look like playing on repeat.
But If We Know What Happens in Death, It’ll Ease the Pain
Wanting to understand if he was/is in pain? Is his soul still there trapped in his body? Is he finally free? What does ‘free’ even mean? Can he see his loved ones over him, speaking to him? Can he hear or see us so many miles away holding him wrapped up in our love? *Sorry, coming back from dissociating* This is where the lines blur between science and spirituality, there are no certainties here, only the vast and varying degrees of grey. It’s here that you are challenged to either push further into your faith, or farther into the despair of nothingness and maybe even madness..? That’s at least how it felt for me. If only I had the answers I could sleep easy, I could eat, I could let him go into the unknown with a sense of comfort…but this was a hope I held onto, not a reality. When in insufferable pain we think of all the ways, real or not, that could ease us, and try to make sense of that for our own sense of survival. Grief as profound as this can cause us to do things that we normally wouldn’t because it could bring a moment of relief, and even to the point you bargaining with a God you don’t believe in, or offering up your own life in exchange, losing yourself in a substance or a toxic person/relationship, or to yell at a person of science trying to keep our loved ones alive thinking that they have the key and refuse to use it…but the only one that has the key to unlock this deafening misery is ourselves. Sometimes the harder option, digging our heels into the dirt of our faith or ourselves, is the option that will bring us most ease…and fuck that isn’t easy either.
Navigating Dynamics, and Honoring Our Truths Through Pain Processing
The dynamic of my family has been raw, vulnerable, and hurt for many years before receiving the news of my nephews tragic passing…and this only left us all even more sensitive to the exposed wounds we tried so desperately to shield each other from. It wasn’t out of spite, or distrust, but a flawed attempt to protect one another from even further pain…but when something as world crumbling as this happens, there is only so much power and energy you have left to put into shielding others from pain. I felt the wait of his loss so greatly, however seeing my brother, and sister crushed hollowed me. This death would have been no more devastating if we were given more time with him leading up to the loss of him, but we had been grieving the loss of our nephews and niece for many months, if not years…however this was our worst fear coming to reality. An unspeakable fear that we all felt in the pit of our stomachs, and even talked about over the years, but we could never imagine that it would come to fruition…As hollow as I felt seeing the despair in my brother and sister, it also brought comfort knowing it was a shared experience. What absolutely broke me was looking into the eyes of my parents and seeing their broken hearts, sorrowful eyes, and helplessness over the loss of their grandson.
My Father, Our Hero
There were mornings when we caught our father collapsed on the floor, crying, unable to stand. This was a man who we always referred to as “Atticus Finch”, putting himself in others shoes, not casting judgment upon them, instead giving opportunity to those who have been overlooked, forgotten, or mistrusted. A man of unwavering faith who approaches every day as Jesus would…but I could see the loss of trust he had for other humans drain from him through this process. No matter the amount of faith one has in their Craft, Religion, Goddesses, Gods…nothing can begin to ease the incapable understanding of why a child dies…It was, and remains to be, incredibly devastating to watch him grapple with this every day. A pillar so true to what has made him the man I’ve known my entire life, revealed devastating cracks in it, and a worry in me that he may never recover from them.
My Mother, Our Martyr
Coming upon the house I grew up in, and knowing this was where we’d be staying to grieve the next few days, I thought my mother would be catatonic, and understandably so…but she stood with strength in her, dare I say hope? I’m unsure what for, but it brought comfort to me. As the days passed on, I knew she was grappling with the difficult family dynamics, and she played the messenger in a very tricky and complex situation. I could see her playing mother to us all, even to those who harmed her, who harmed us all, setting her own emotions aside to comfort those in great loss, because she felt that was the right thing to do…and who are we to judge her for this? I saw her shed a few tears here and there, but she held strong for us all trying to navigate each moment, each day with care…But my fear for her was if she’d allow herself to feel the rage, the hurt, and the confusion that the loss of her grandson had naturally been thrust upon her, and the refusal she faced at asking to see him one last time. A ray of sunshine this woman, my mother, and like a cat she would retreat to relieve herself of the pain in solitude.
Grief Isn’t Pretty…
I’ve had to make several stops throughout writing this to let out my grief; cry, scream, vent to my deities, ask for support and comfort from my ancestors, cry again, wail even…Yes, this is part of the process, but it is inexplicably fucking painful.
A Barbaric Yawp to Ease the Pain Turns into a Plea For Their Safety…
My mother was getting communications from my nephews mother (my eldest sister), this was the only way we knew what was going on. Through this poorly conducted communication process more was revealed; there had been previous ‘close calls’ with one of my other nephews…I couldn’t handle hearing this, it had already been too much knowing certain truths about the pain surrounding my nephews and niece, currently dealing with the loss of one of them, and now hearing the almost loss of another?!? Are you fucking kidding me?!… I just couldn’t bear it. The cups that held the liquid of my tolerance were already overflowing and unable to take more, so this sent me into an animalistic flee. I voiced that I couldn’t hear more, and felt a barbaric yawp percolating in my gut, rippling up through my chest, tightening my throat. My feet needed to run, my body began to shake, and I rushed out the back door of my family home, staring into the dead of winter, the snow covered trees, the silence of the country side welcoming me, I screamed from my toes releasing my pain, my rage, my hurt, my loss of those little kids I love so dearly…I would never hold them again, I would never speak to them again, I would never be able to protect them again…ever. I had spent their entire lives listening to their pain, their wish for love and connection, their want of protection, their desire for play and joy, and now their inescapable heartbreak and the closeness of death on their doorsteps…I wanted to plea with Hades, beg the Grim Reaper, implore God, I didn’t care who, or what form they took! I just needed them to hear my wish, my curse, my desire…demand?…to ease the pain of these children, to ease the pain of my inability to save them…
Finding Community in the Darkest Times
Family and Loved Ones; Navigating Safe Spaces and Holding Space When Possible
Speaking to loved ones who have been plagued by the same loss is such a strong piece of the mourning process. With that being said these people are also meant to be a safe space for you. Please do not go out of your way to speak to those who have harmed you, or caused any distress in your life, regardless of the pain everyone is going through. Do not abandon your boundaries. If you have the means to speak to loved ones who are a safe space you are also going to find that you may be at a different phase than they are, or confronting a different emotion than they are at the time, and that’s ok! But it can be hard to navigate. If you’re having a better day than your loved one, and you have the capacity to hold space for them it would be beneficial to both your relationship and also your process to make the time. However, grief is a messy monster that usually doesn’t come together so neatly. If you’re unable to hold space for them, it’s ok, and important that you voice that you’d like to, but you’re having a really hard time with that today. I can’t stress enough how important clear communication is through this process.
Wailing with Stranger in Grief is Not Something I Thought I’d Ever Experience Let Alone Recommend or Screaming with Strangers, Poetry Through Pain
Not everyone comes from a family unit they feel comfortable being vulnerable, let alone safe, with…SO seeking “community” outside of blood connection is important. Can I also add that even with those coming from a healthy family dynamic, external sources (friends, strangers, pigeons at the park) are major when sharing pain because they have enough detachment that can bring a sense of comfort without you having to worry about their needs through your time sharing. Also, if you’re part of a Coven this can be a really beautiful dialogue about building a ritual around grief, morning, and trauma- it doesn’t have to be a shared experience for it to benefit everyone involved.
My experience with this grief support group in Brooklyn NY, Despair Sanctuary, had me skeptical at first (come on it was being held in a church!!) but it turned out to be a profound, communal energetic experience that I didn’t know one could tap into. You could feel the undercurrent of sorrow in the room, and through the words of those speaking aloud their grief through spoken word, or the music choice done by the MC who had experienced repeated immense loss…it made me feel less alone in the process (as cheesy as that is) but it also humbled me in remembering how I am not the only one that feels the weight of pain, fury, guilt, and even self-hatred through this…I felt compassion and empathy for the others in the room, and although my heartache felt undeniably that others would/could never understand, I actually experienced a sense of that pain being cradled in the hands of many, and I could breath for a moment.
I highly recommend looking into local Grief Support Groups. If your community doesn’t have one I would encourage you to find strength in creating one yourself, I know that’s a big ask, but you never know who you’d be helping in the process until you start. Think of it as a Grief Coven. I know this will be a controversial suggestion to some, but I think it is imperative to be in therapy, even if you aren’t mourning a loss. Therapy can change your life, it has mine. Seeking help from a professional isn’t anti-witchcraft, as crazy as some people in the spiritual sphere claim to be. I know therapy costs money, especially if you don’t have insurance or free resources, but there are options out there that are helpful and useful. Again, that is why finding a support group is ideal, because usually these are free.
My Estranged Sister
I cannot imagine the heartache and loss of one’s own child. I’d never wish this upon my worst enemy, and sadly it has struck my own family. My eldest sister and I have never had a close relationship, some could chalk it up to us being eight years apart, but that would only be a sliver of a truth. Regardless of our differences, beliefs, and abilities to handle difficult situations, I would never want her to have gone through such pain. Now don’t get me wrong, I can be a vengeful bitch - all one has to do is look in my freezer at all those I’ve frozen out of my life- but I’d never wish or want harm to a child, even out of vengeance. I wish her nothing but ease through this process, genuinely. However, I am not ‘big enough’ or ‘strong enough’ to forgive her and my brother in-law for all the hurt and pain they’ve caused, and that isn’t necessary for compassion and empathy. If I could wish for anything, it would be to have that little boy back; even though I would not have the pleasure of feeling his little, ice cream sticky hands in mine, or to be able to see his silly smile spread across his face as he danced to Ray Charles…but knowing that he was alive and thriving would be enough for me, and I could move on from my rage. If only magick worked this way….
Deities for Grief, Loss, Death, Heartbreak
The Morrígan (Celtic)
Our shapeshifting Goddess, Morrigan, is one of war, death, and fate. Many of those who have left messages to their loved one before passing “I’ll come to you in the form of a butterfly”, “Every time you hear a crow sing, know that it’s me”, did you happen to hear stories like these within your own family or those of your friends? My poppy comes to us in the form of a red cardinal, and the women on my mothers side come as butterflies…Well, The Morrigan is a shapeshifter, and believed to take the form of many different animals, insects etc. This could very well be her coming to you with a message from a loved one who passed. Although the Morrigan is not a traveler between worlds for the dead, she is more of a fortune teller, and if you stay aware of her messages you may be able to hear her warning you, and therefore have more time with someone that is on the brink of passing. You can also speak to her when you are at war with yourself through the mourning process- she is one of fate, let her guide you through the war, defeating the voices of guilt, fear, and doubt.
Brigid (Celtic)
Brigid is a Goddess to call upon when someone you love is in the hospital, ill, or in an accident/had an emergency. She is swift and overlooks those who are in need. We covered Brigid in a previous article, which you can look into here. She is heavily associated with mothers, pregnant people, and children due to being a fertility Goddess. If you’d like to work with her for the sake of a loved one’s health, take a green candle, anoint it with oils and herbs dedicated to her (see article), write her name or symbol into the candle and the name of the person you’re asking her to look over and to heal. Light the candle, and place an image of the person next to the candle as well so that they may feel her warmth close to them. Continue to provide offerings to her regardless of the outcome, just because someone passes (what happened in my case) doesn’t mean she turned a blind eye, she is there to guide them with her eternal flame. I asked her to connect my nephew with his ancestors on the other side once he passed. I continued to provide her with offerings, and still do today, several months later. You can thank her, and send her on her way in a polite manner when you feel it is time to let go of your need for her.
Hades (Greek)
In my experience, this is a God of few words, but damn does he hold space for the depths of despair. I never worked with Hades before the passing of my nephew, and I am unsure if my connection to him now is one for the moment, or something that will continue moving forward. I have worked with his Queen, Persephone, For many many months, and love our bond and work together, and I can see how she and Hades have a beautiful partnership. Hades is someone who knows no end to sorrow, hate, pain, grief, agony…so when you are feeling these things he is someone I can’t recommend enough to call upon. He came to me as a humorous deity, but soft and serious in his ability to listen; a true Capricorn (Tarot Reference here). His loyalty to your process, and recovery is unwavering, and he eats up all that you have to share with him, so speak to him in whispered tones or banshee screams, he will listen and help to transmute your pain into a form of pleasure, even if it’s a maniacal laughing session. I will be covering Hades in our Deity Appreciation Series this Autumn, so stay tuned for that.
Algea (Greek)
Unlike our other Gods and Goddesses, the Algea were physical personifications of (Ania) Sorrow, (Achos) Grief, and (Lupe) Pain, they are not deities. However I feel they are important in this process and hold weight in the loss of loved ones. They represent the cyclical process of death and rebirth, loss and healing, and there is a literal connection between them and the ocean algae we see along our salted waters. It is highly recommended to offer algae (dried or fresh) to them as offerings, if you’re looking to call them in. They are not malicious, or tricksters, unlike how some make it sound. These three sisters, daughters of Eris, granddaughters of Ares were born into strife, pain, and darkness- which makes them very understanding of the grief process. Like many of us, our ancestors left us with pain, much like the Algea, and they will help to unravel this with you, carrying the pain alongside you- not for you! With you.
Nanna (Norse)
If there is a deity that knows grief well, it is Nanna. When her beloved husband, Balder dies, she cannot handle the grief, and her loyalty to him and their love thrusts her upon his pyre to die along with him. She is a very intense, loving, and loyal deity to work with. Her name translates to Bravery, and what a brave Goddess she is. Call upon her when you feel yourself wavering on life itself, the weight of guilt on living without your loved one. Although Nanna took her own life, that doesn’t mean that is what she encourages you to do-not by any means. Nanna speaks about the power of love even after death, and encourages this strength within yourself. She comes through to bring you the courage you are incapable of bringing forth for yourself to see another day. Simply ask for her guidance and you shall receive- also offer in exchange that you will pass along this good dead in a way that is fitting. She isn’t one to want much.
Hel (Norse)
Not to be confused with the Christian place of Hell, Hel is a Norse Goddess who oversees the Underworld known as Helheim. Unlike the Christian Hell, Helheim is a place of healing wounds from the life one has just passed on from. She does not punish, torture, or keep those passed in captivity, she is a much more peaceful deity (although still fierce in her convictions). In Norse beliefs, there are three places where those who have passed reunite in the afterlife, Hel, Folkvangr, and Valhalla. Depending on whether the deceased died in battle as a warrior, or more natural causes depicted where they went. Hel oversees ‘non warriors’ in Helheim, where most of us would end up reunited with our loved ones. You can connect with Hel, sending blessings, offerings, and wishes to those who have passed on, it is said that she will pass along these messages. You can also connect with Hel when a loved one has passed and you wish to honor her in the process of accepting their soul/presence into Helheim. Writing scrolls to those who have passed wrapped in leather, offering dead flowers, bones, doing a rune reading offering, and any personal offerings to your ancestors and passed loved ones are accepted as offerings to Hel.
The Grimm Reaper (Mixed Cultural Lore)
Many know The Grim Reaper as a character in horror stories, or maybe even as the physical apparition of the Ghost of Christmas Future in a Christmas Carol. An ungodly tall bringer of death, usually depicted as a male, carrying a scythe that is to ‘take the life’ of the soul he was sent to seek, sometimes with black wings, but always in a long, black hooded robe. Grimm is a deity that comes from British and Americana Lore, something maybe I’ll have to elaborate further on in a future article. In terms of connecting to Grimm through the grieving process is to give over to acceptance. Many of us grew up with a fear of death, I mean very few seek death, and very few are entirely fearless of the dirt nap awaiting us in this life. Grimm is simply the bringer of that cycle in “life”- who knows what awaits us after, possibly another life? Either way, he is the messenger, the portal, the master key to the next phase…and so when we lose someone we can connect with Grimm, asking guidance on how to come to terms with death, and ask him to be kind to those he is bringing to the next realm. He will answer. Use black candles, chalices or cauldrons of water, ashes to draw symbols or names, and dirt from the graves of those we love.
Death and the Maiden - by Marianne Stokes (1908)
There are many other Deities from other Cultures and spiritual backgrounds, here is a list of notable Goddesses and Gods that could be beneficial in your journey through the grief process:
Nephthys (Egyptian)
Anubis (Egyptian)
Yama (Hindu)
Khali (Hindu)
Hanuman (Hindu)
Izanami (Japanese)
Eros (Greek)
Thanatos (Greek)
Hekate (Greek)
Oizys (Greek)
Meseria (Roman)
A Witches Final Thoughts on Grieving
Grieving takes an individual approach, it’s not a “one size fits all” process. It is grueling, uncompromising, heartbreaking, with pauses of laughter, reminiscence, guilt, hope…the list of experiences goes on for ad nauseam. A lot of this article was a retelling, a sharing of my truth and story- which may feel less magical than our normal content, but it is here in the mundane experiences that magic is at its purest. It holds your shoulder reminding you that we are infinite, and so are our loved ones- so the question magic and witchcraft asks us in our darkest moments is how do we want to exercise our human experience? How can we find the strength to lean on our Craft to bring us comfort, or ease our sorrow? It’s a whisper in your ear encouraging us to listen deeply to the messages of our ancestors, our fellow wxtches, and magical beings to reconnect with divine energy- so the question magic and witchcraft asks us in our deepest despair is who will you listen to, the fear implanted by this world? Or the trust that a connection deeper than our understanding connects and will reconnect us all? It’s up to us to create the reality we believe in and desire. It’s in the most challenging of times that rattles us, and shakes our faith, but it’s also then that we can solidify our roots in our practice as well.
I know this is harder than any-fucking-thing you’ll ever experience again, but it is an inevitable experience of being a human. Some of us experience violence, hatred, monsters, and unspeakable truths, which can only be understood by others who have had the same fate. That is why grief can be so profound, because it can be something that unites us, not separates us. It will come for us all, and eventually so will death… I promise you that there is hope through this despair, that there is a way to keep your light and connection to loved ones past deeply sacred and, dare I say, alive. You hold the key, remember that, just as Hekate holds the Keys to the many realms, we hold the keys to our many experiences and pathways within this life. Choose your doors carefully, but without fear, you never know what loved ones wait for you on the other side.
Till next time my sweet darklings, stay spooky and stay well xx
Looking for music to help you flow through these hard times of grief? Give my GRIEF playlist a listen on Apple Music. I Use this as the element(s) of water and air in spell-work through the grieving process.
